My Dad was incredibly funny. Below are some of his best one-liners - feel free to add more!
Pudgy restaurant manager: "Thanks for coming."
Dad: "Are you pregnant or what?
Jared: “How are you sitting?”
Dad: “On my ass.”
Jan: “Marty, we were married for 17 years.”
Dad: “That’s nuts!”
Jared: "You look as old as Moses. What was it like knowing Abraham Lincoln?""
Dad: "I always get compliments around here."
Jared: "You're 84 years old. How does it feel?"
Dad: "It feels like shit."
Jared: "How do you exist?"
Dad: "I rob every bank that I can see."
Dad: "I went to Hebrew School, my mom spent a fortune, and I don't remember a word. What a waste."
Jared: "Dad, what do you think about Donald Trump running for President?"
Dad: "Where do I throw up?"
Dad, whenever we were discussing mortality: "Where do I jump?"
Jared: "Who landed on the moon?"
Dad: "Me."
Jared: "Dad, I'm going to be an actor."
Dad: "That's great. You've been a flop for a long time."
When Nate's brother told him he's from Michigan: "Do people still live there?"
Jared: "Dad, what should I do to study for the bar exam?"
Dad: "Cheat."
Dad, on hearing waiters speak Mandarin at a Chinese restaurant: "Can you understand a word? I can't."
Jared: "What's new?"
Dad: "What's new? New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire..."
Jared: "Any last words?"
Dad: "Take a walk."
Jared
27th October 2015